I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
