Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We don't watch enough power rangers
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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