a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
