I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
