Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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