Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
