the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize