i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
