I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Randomize
