He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
