I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
