I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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