Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
