i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
