dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
