I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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