So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
