mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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