I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
