Tell her she can't have a vagina
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
