We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
