When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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