Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
