I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Randomize