she woke up with a sticky ear
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
