Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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