my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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