Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
