it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
