God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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