I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
