How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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