you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
