she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
