I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
