Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize