Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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