i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
