I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
