I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
