Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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