I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
