I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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