I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
