he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
