Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
