you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize