Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
