Got a toothbrush?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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