if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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