I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
