I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize