halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
