Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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