a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
