His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
