i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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