god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
