Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
