my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
