He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
