Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
They took my balls.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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