my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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