He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
