I can text with my tongue
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize