well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i need some magic done to my vagina
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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