I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
